because there are no words.

 An F5 tornado ripped through the city of Moore, destroying my old neighborhood, and my old elementary school on Monday. Everything was leveled. I had been at the Y, to wait out the tornado with my mom , since I live in an upstairs apartment. I went there to wait out the tornado, not even thinking about the path the tornado was taking. We were cleared to leave about 12 min after the tornado passed us, and I and my mom  left so that I could take her home. On the way to my parents house, the reality of what the tornado meant hit me. Trees were uplifted out of the ground and blocking streets; cars were turned over; ambulances, fire trucks, and police cars were racing to who knew where. The sky was a gruel, dark, grey, the kid of sky that scares you and warns you about what it can do. We made It slowly through OKC, and pulled into the back of my old neighborhood, hoping that we could use the old shortcut to get to the other main street my parents currently lived off of.

Words cannot describe what we saw. Houses were gone. There was wood and mud and tree limbs everywhere. Cars were piled on top of each other, on houses, and on the street. People were running everywhere, most heading in the same direction. My mom, knowing that I wouldn't be able to make it through by driving, told me to turn around and she would walk the 3 miles left to her house. I protested, obviously, but she was determined, so I let her go. To no avail, I tried to make my way off the street to turn around and ended up being blocked in a driveway by two cars and an ambulance, all who showed no signs of leaving anytime soon. I got out of my car, grabbed my phone and wallet and made my way through the damage. Turning the corner around what used to be houses, I saw the reason for all the frantic parents and crying kids. The school had been hit. And by hit, what I really mean is, demolished. There were people, firemen, policemen, soldiers, and paramedics everywhere. Kids were crying, moms were screaming and sobbing for their children. I was in shock. I had no idea how huge this tornado had been. I made my way, in my flip flops, over to the wreckage of the school. I found a frantic paramedic, told him I knew CPR and how to use an AED, and he told me to keep watch for anyone who was stable, or unstable and let him know. I talked to a few parents, kids, and teachers, all who were shell-shocked. I helped assess a few victims, talked to a pregnant woman who was buried under the rubble until she was taken to the hospital. The policemen eventually had all non-essential help move away from the rubble, due to a gas leak, and because they were beginning to find bodies instead of living people. I moved out of the way and called my husband. After a dozen tries, I finally got hold of him and began sobbing. The reality of the scene I was in the middle of hit me with a brutal force. I was scared, and alone and so desperately sad for the people around me. My husband and I made a plan to meet up and I began walking to our meeting point. After about 20 minutes, he called to tell me he couldn't get through the street we planned on meeting at, so I had to walk another mile the opposite direction to the gas station. I went to my car, passing several kids I knew from the school and also people I had grown up with at that school, got my purse and began walking.

My husband finally found me, and we walked another mile or so, to his car. I was covered in mud, sore from walking in flip flops and couldn't stop crying. We came home to no water, and packed some bags to go stay at my in laws. I took a shower there, watched the news, drank a huge cup of strong tea, and went to bed, exhausted. I slept for maybe 2 hours that night.

Since Monday, our water has come back on, the internet is working again, I have my car back, and I have slept a lot. But none of that is making me feel better. Because yesterday, I found out that a nine year old boy who I had worked with when I worked at the Y had been killed in the tornado. He was one of the 10 children, all mostly 3^rd graders, who had passed in the tornado. They had two more days left in the school year, and then they would have been free for the summer. To swim, as we all know kids love to do, eat lots of junk food, and spend the days with their friends. I know that for Nicholas, he would have spent his days at the YMCA, swimming, going on field trips, inevitably sunburned with way too much sugar in his system, with his friends. But that isn't going to happen for him now. It makes me so desperately sad to know that too. Because I loved my childhood summers. And I love summer at the Y. Trips, summer camps, swimming, the library, friends…those are the makings of a good summer. And that sweet nine year old boy won’t do any of those things anymore.

I know, that eventually, we will all start to feel better about this. Maybe better isn't the best word, but we will all come through this. Lives will return to normal, and people will move on. But today, I don’t care about moving on, or staying strong, or being brave. Today I am sad, sad for Nicholas, and his family; sad for those who lost their homes and pets or relatives; sad for the children who only such a short time, who will never get married, or have kids of their own. Today, I am going to be sad for them. And I’m going to pray because I cannot face this without my Savior.

Please pray for Nicholas’ family, because nothing is worse than losing a child. A house can be rebuilt, a car can be replaced, but a child, a baby, can never be replaced. 

cookies. they make the world go 'round.

Hello all! Today I want to talk cookies. I love cookies. I love the chocolatey, gooey, crunchy and chewy combination and in the next few weeks, I will be posting three of my favorite cookie recipes. One is from the book that I keep referring to, over and over, another from my favorite cookbook, and another one that I found online. Here we go, cookie number one!

Cookie #1: The Gaia Cookie

This cookie recipe is from Shauna Niequist's new book, Bread & Wine. I have posted recipes from her book before, and this cookie is one of my absolute favorites. It's semi-healthy, delicious, filling, and perfect with a big cup of coffee. I made these cookies this morning, and ya'll, my apartment has never smelled better. This cookie has quickly become a favorite and I know you all will love it!

Ingredients:1/2 pound butter
1 1/2 cups brown sugar
2 eggs
2 tablespoons vanilla
1 1/2 cups flour 
1 1/2 cups oats 
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda 
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup coconut (I used coconut flakes)
1 cup walnuts (I used slivered almonds because that's all I had on hand)
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup chopped dates, raisins, dried cherries, or cranberries or any combo

To make: 
 Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Cream together butter and brown sugar. 
Add eggs and vanilla, and mix well.
Add flour, oats, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and mix well. 
Add coconut, walnuts, chocolate chips, and dates or other dried fruit. Mix until combined. 
Drop tablespoons of dough onto a cookie sheat lined with parchment paper, 8 per sheet. Refrigerate for a few minutes so the dough doesn't spread out too quickly while baking. 
Bake for 14 to 16 minutes or until golden.

Makes 2 dozen cookies. 

**A few notes: I didn't use any dried fruit, because honestly, I didn't want to go to the store and get it. I used white and dark chocolate chips, slivered almonds in place of walnuts, and used coconut oil instead of butter. (1 cup coconut oil = 1/2 pound butter). They turned out delicious! And the coconut oil makes the cookies a teeny bit healthier, which helps justify eating one for breakfast. One, or two. ;)

Make these soon. They'll make your home smell delicious, and your family will love you for them. Serve with a big cup of black coffee or strong black tea, or a glass of cold almond milk.

Recipe from Bread & Wine, by Shauna Niequist. Page 210-212. Zondervan, 2013.

on the menu: White Chicken Chili

Photo Credit: shaunaniequist.com

Let me be honest. I am not a fan of beans. I haven't ever liked them. But I kind of sort of maybe a teensy bit, like white beans. I do not love them, but I do not detest them as much as other beans. Black beans? Forget it. Baked beans? No way. Refried Beans? Who in their right mind likes mushy brown beans?! No. I am not a fan of any bean other than white. So when I found a chili recipe without all the mushy, black, brown beans, I rejoiced. My husband loves chili, so I wanted to find a healthy version of chili he loves so much. Now, this chili is more like a soup but still delicious and perfect for cold, wintery days.

This recipe is from Shauna Niequist's new book, Bread & Wine. (Have I mentioned how fantastic this book is?!) The recipe is super easy, super healthy, and super adaptable. And super delicous. If you live in Oklahoma, make it tonight, because apparently we are having severe winter weather tonight. In April. :) Cause, ya know, that's how we roll.


White Chicken Chili
Serves 6
from Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist, pg. 110, Zondervan, 2013.

1-1.5 pounds chicken: breasts, tenders, or boneless skinless thighs, cut into bite-sized pieces. Cook in a large stock pot or Dutch oven over medium heat.
Add one container of salsa, preferably fresh. Or green salsa.
Cook until chicken is almost cooked through, about five minutes.
Drain all 4 cans of beans. Add 2 cans as they are, and mash 2 cans with a fork or the back of a wooden spoon, then add them.
Add four cups of broth.
Bring to a rolling boil, then reduce heat to a simmer, stirring occasionally.
Simmer for at least 30 minutes, but, really, the longer the better.

Serve with cilantro, wedges of lime, sliced avocado, shredded cheese, chips, sour cream, and salsa.  I will warn you, however, that sometimes what began as a thoroughly virtuous soup becomes a very large meal consisting mainly of cheese & chips with a very occasional bite of soup. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard.

**I prepared the chili slightly differently. It was Sunday, and I wanted to let all the flavors blend and simmer and bubble together nicely, so I put all the beans, broth, and salsa in my crock pot. Boiled the chicken, shredded it, and added it to the chili. It turned out deliciously!

On Bread & Wine

 

Let me just start by saying, I am so excited about this post. Extremely excited. Over the top, over the moon excited. Get the point? Good. Let's do this.

In 2009, I was recommended to read Shauna Niequist's book Cold Tangerines by a writer friend. I remember the year clearly because I read the book the summer before I was due to start my first year of college. I read Cold Tangerines in a week. I gobbled it up, marked my favorite chapters, read and re-read chapters. Shauna's writing inspired me to be better, be honest, be a little more open to people. She has a true gift and since that summer of 2009, I have been a huge fan of Miss Niequist. That being said, I am so honored to have been able to read her newest book, Bread & Wine, early and to have the chance to blog about it. I, along with you all, will be buying my copy tomorrow, on its release date and I cannot be more excited to do so! :)

Bread & Wine is a book about life and community around the table. What happens when people let down their guard, open their front door, and let people in to their lives. It's about peace and grace and kindness to yourself. Laughter, love, faith and the things you can experience if you just people into the scarier parts of your life. We were never meant to live in this world alone and I know so many people who are trying and failing to do life that way.  We were meant to comfort each other, and love each other. And Bread & Wine tells you just that.

In Bread & Wine, there is an amazing array of recipes sprinkled throughout the book. White chicken chili, sea salted toffee, breakfast cookies, maple balsamic pork tenderloin, just to name a few. And so far, the ones I have tried have been fantastic. Seriously simple to make, and so delicious. My husband, who is not picky at all, has loved every one I have made. They're simple, delicious and huge plus for me and my hubs, healthy. They can be adapted, changed, and easily interpreted into something that is suitable for your family or party. (Trust me, though, they are great the way they are). This book is now my go-to. For a lesson on shame or determination or forgiveness, Shauna's words never fail to teach me.

Shauna has once again made me realize why I am such a big fan of hers. Bread & Wine is amazing. Beautiful. Honest. Fun. Clever. It's a like a mini cookbook, mixed with life lessons and stories and people you would hear at a really comfy coffee date. Or, ironically, after a long, delicious dinner; the kinds of stories you hear after the wine is gone, the candles are low and the everyone's hearts and bellies are full. Shauna's writing is brilliant and Bread & Wine will inspire you. 

I reccomend books all the time, especially ones that hit home with me, so I am telling you people, buy her book. Pick up a copy, have some post its and a pen by your side, and read it. Study it, learn the recipes and open your front door. Call a friend or two, pop open a bottle of pinot noir, make some salad and bread, and get to know the people God put in your life. Love them, and cook for them, and get them to your table. You will be so glad you did.


For more information on Shauna and her previous books, head on over to her pretty new website! :)

Shauna Niequist is the author of Cold Tangerines, Bittersweet, and Bread & Wine.
 
Shauna grew up in Barrington, Illinois, and then studied English and French Literature at Westmont College in Santa Barbara.

She is married to Aaron, who is a pianist and songwriter. Aaron is a worship leader at Willow Creek and is recording a project called A New Liturgy. Aaron & Shauna live outside Chicago with their sons, Henry and Mac.

Shauna writes about the beautiful and broken moments of everyday life–friendship, family, faith, food, marriage, love, babies, books, celebration, heartache, and all the other things that shape us, delight us, and reveal to us the heart of God.

on cooking and food inspirations

In the past few months, I've been enamored with cooking. I was never much of a cook before I got married. I baked quite a bit, but never ventured out into the area of sauteing or grilling. I can make a mean batch of French Breakfast Puffs or a fantastic sticky ring of Monkey Bread but handling chicken and quinoa? No, thanks. However, that was before I married the gorgeous, health conscious, hunky man that I did. His tastes are simple: real food, with real ingredients and real good taste. He loves  my monkey bread, but we can't really survive well on a sticky ring of biscuits, butter and sugar. So I learned. I bought cookbooks, I read blogs, I recipe tested, and I changed recipes around. I made adjustments to less than healthy recipes to make them more Tucker friendly. Through the process, which really began the week after we became husband and wife, I learned that cooking is actually a lot more fun and rewarding. To feed someone a meal that you put your inspiration, effort and time into, sort of gives you a boost. For me, it reminds me of my humanity and my body's needs. It also taught me how to cook in a way that satisfies but in a clean, nourishing way.

My food inspiration comes from several places. As I've gotten more comfortable with cooking, I've been able to make up my own recipes or adapt versions of recipes that I loved. There are two specific people though, that inspired me to try recipes I wouldn't normally pick out and who continually feed my hunger (zing!) for food inspiration. One of them, is Shauna Niequist. In the next couple of weeks, I'll be blogging about one of my food inspirations and her newest book, Bread & Wine: a love letter to life around the table with recipes which is due out April 9th. I was introduced to Shauna's writing a few years ago by a write friend of whom I had asked for book recommendations. Since the day I read the first page of her first novel, I was a fan. Hugely so. Shauna's writing is pure and honest and inspiring and I loved her appetite for food and dinner parties right off. I devoured her first book, Cold Tangerines, and likewise devoured her second novel, Bittersweet. Her books are delicious and food for my soul. I find myself re-reading them all the time, in different seasons, her words continually teaching me. In her newest book, Shauna shares simple, delicious and healthy recipes that she tested over and over, and that have been made for families and friends of her own. Her recipes have stories and memories that go along with them, and I think that is a beautiful thing. To have some nostalgia and love and connection in the food that you make is just beautiful.

Similar to Shauna's theme of nostalgia and memories being connected to food  is the cookbook Dinner A Love Story. Coincidentally (or maybe not)I heard about DALS from Shauna Niequist. The cookbook, written by Jenny Rosenstrach is my go-to cookbook. The book is written with stories written around the recipes, for different stages of a families life. The book begins with Jenny as a newlywed, and the recipes that she leaned on and learned during that period of her life. The book moves on to dinners that she cooked for friends and families and then moves on the food she cooked for her kids when they came about. More than a cookbook, it reads like a novel about two people who loved food and each other and wanted to connect those two things. It's fantastic and there isn't a recipe I've tried that I didn't like. Similarly to Shauna, Jenny uses the idea that real food is food and that portion size is a big deal. Her recipes are designed to feed a family, and to feed them well.

Starting in the next few weeks, I will be posting recipes that I have tried and love, or recipes that I have adapted from their original ones, for me and my husband. I get asked all the time about what I cook, what recipe I use, can I substitute such and such, etc. so I figured my blog would be a great place to answer those questions. I, by no means an expert on cooking or on food in general. I just like to cook, to feed myself and my husband wholesome foods, and to share!

Links to both of my food inspirations above can be found here: www.shaunaniequist.com & www.dinneralovestory.com

Tonight's recipe: (as pictured above)
Turkey Meatballs with Romano, Onion, & Basil
Loosely adapted from Jenny Rosenstrach's Great Grandma Turano's Meatballs from Dinner A Love Story, 2012 HarpersCollins Publishers.

1 lb. lean ground turkey
1 large egg
1 medium white onion, finely diced
Almond meal (really just used this as a helper to keep the meatballs together. Don't add too much.)
Basil (I used the basil flakes)
Kosher salt or sea salt

Pour a few good glugs of olive oil to a saucepan. Turn on medium heat. I used a pot and it worked perfectly, so that the oil didn't splash everywhere. Combine all ingredients together. Roll the mixture into small balls and set in the oil. Cook for 8-10 minutes until browned and cooked through. Serve with green beans or in your favorite spaghetti recipe.

Avoid.

This post is a very rough draft. But really, it coincides with how my year went, so it seemed inappropriate to change it. Enjoy! :)

Oh, 2012. What a year. I can, with certainty, say that I am very happy this year is coming to a close. 2012 was a year that challenged me and hurt me and stressed me out. I can say, now, in retrospect, how unhealthy I was this year. Not just physically, although I most certainly was, some through no fault of my own. But mentally and definitely spiritually. Sure I got married to the most amazing man in the universe, and sure I made new friends, and yeah both sister in laws had two gorgeous new babies this year. Yeah, I made the decision to move jobs, and I made the very scary decision to write quite possibly for a career. I worked out a bit and ate a little better and read some really good books. I saw some great movies, learned how to be a better friend, and ate at new restaurants. But to be honest, I didn’t like who I was this year. For the majority of this year, I felt angry, stressed beyond belief, and disappointed. Disappointed and stressed because I wasn’t spending my money wisely, I wasn’t writing and I wasn’t being a good friend. I wasn’t eating real food, I was sleeping all the time, and I was reading novels just to distract me from my predicament. I was confused, and sick, and stressed, and did I mention stressed?

The stress played a huge part in my story this year. Since January, I have been sick 10 times. No I did not mean to type 1. I got seriously ill, with the flu, bronchitis, several stomach bugs and sinus infections, and even had high blood pressure. I’m 22! I moved twice, once due to my parents getting a new house, and the second time because I got married. I was promoted to a new job, made the enormously hard decision to suspend my education in college for the time being (which ultimately took away my everyday Pilates class I had enrolled in), planned a wedding, and spent 2 months of the summer running a day camp site with 100+ kids, all of whom could use a good lesson in discipline. A month before we got married, the apartment complex we had been planning on moving into suddenly was “full for the next year” and we had to find a new apartment. That day. We found one, in a less than nice area, but with a washer and dryer, and dishwasher, so we didn’t complain. The wedding came and went, in it’s beautiful way, and we spend that weekend in a charming bed and breakfast not far away from where we live. Then, it was back to the grind. 40+ hour work weeks, and the task of trying to manage our time and money well. I stopped sleeping well, and found myself crying all the time. I called in sick to work countless times, just because the simple thought of going to work made my head feel like it might explode. Just typing this paragraph makes my head hurt. I read novels to distract me, surfed the net to find things to buy, and drank coffee to survive the days. I ate less good food, and more bad “food”. I stopped going to coffee dates, slept in on Sundays way past the time when church was starting, and all the while, I stopped believing that my life would be different. I knew that wasn’t true, but because of the amount of stress and sickness and change I experienced, I literally felt like my life would always be a crazy cycle of excuses, sleep deprivation, tears and worry that shocked me with how strong it was. I wasn’t myself and I wasn’t doing anything to change. I was avoiding everything I could and ignoring anything I couldn't.

Until. I quit my job. I decided, for many different reasons, to leave the place I had worked for four years to find something new. I needed to change my story. I needed something scenically and atmospherically different. I needed new faces, new procedures, new everything. I still loved to work with kids, so I applied to a school 30 minutes away from my house. I sent in my resume at 10 o’ clock on a Monday night, and Tuesday morning at 8 am, I got a call for an interview. I interviewed, they offered the job, I accepted. I gave my two weeks, trained and went to work somewhere else. This may not sound like an amazing decision, but for someone who for so long couldn’t make a decision without at least a month’s thought, this was monumental. I felt free. And excited. And of course very nervous. But very at peace with my decision and what was to come.

Up until this point, my prayer life had been sporadic at best. I was not consistent. I prayed prayers that started with “God, thank you for everything you’ve given me, but….” I forgot how to live my prayers, to talk to God like He was a friend instead of my genie. I asked him to make me feel better, to stop making me crazy and to please just give me future plans so I could stop worrying. I was a mess, angry with Him for making me so stubborn and confused as to why I wasn’t hearing Him. Eventually, after some talks with my amazing husband, a sermon preached by Steven Furtick that talked about gratitude, and a conscious effort at my spiritual well-being, I began to feel a tingling of hope. I began to laugh more, sleep a little better, and talk more about how crazy I had been acting. I began to hang out with friends, and eat better and drink more water. I began to pray. 

2013 is a welcome change. I need change, small, healthy changes. This year I will work out consistently, I will eat better, and I will be pray. I will write, I will read books to enjoy them, and I will build relationships. I will watch less TV. I will spend less money on silly things. I will live a better story. I will finish Storyline and write more meaningful stories with my life. I will because I have to in order to survive. In order to live and live well. I will, because I need it and He needs it.

We were willing.

Hello friends!

Today I am writing to you from my most favorite spot in my apartment. On my big comfy couch. (Anyone remember The Big Comfy Couch on PBS? I just loved that show!) Our couch was given to us by a very sweet couple who was needing to move out the huge couch from their garage. It was a blessing when it came about because for one, we did not have any living room furniture and two, they were willing to give it to us. For free. I don't know if you know this, but FREE is a holy word when you are getting married. The couch is huge and comfortable and roomy. It's a beautiful tan color, with plenty of room for sleeping (I call it my Sunday nap couch) and cuddling. :) Anyhow, as I sit on my comfy couch, my husband is glued to the TV, watching football. Alas, the time has come when Saturdays are filled with college football mania. And I am okay with it, until October. By then, I'm over it. I don't care what OU is ranked, who will go to the Super Bowl, or if what'- his-face from that team will go to the NFL, I just want to watch Doctor Who all day. (The Doctor returns TONIGHT, on BBCAMERICA. Too bad I don't have cable. Maybe I can convince the hubs to let me buy them all on Amazon?!) Football is lost on me, I am afraid, when British TV comes out with something new.

Back to my real reason for writing....

Last Friday, my sister, best friend and I had the amazing opportunity to go see Jen Hatmaker speak at a church in our area.  If you have not ever heard of/read anything by Jen, you are seriously missing out on a hilarious, faith-driven, did I mention hilarious?, woman. She is a mom of five (two are adopted from Ethiopia) and the wife of a pastor. I found out about Jen through my blogger-friend Natalie Lloyd, who recommended her bible study books to me. Ever since I did that study, I was hooked. Jen writes in such a friendly, hilarious, understanding way and her advice on faith is so real and relevant. The girl knows her stuff. Anyway, about a month ago, my sister's husband texted me about his anniversary gift to her, which was to pay for her to go see Jen Hatmaker speak. He asked if I wanted to go and without hesitation, I said yes. I got online, signed up and counted down the days. Right after I had gotten married, I began reading "7" by Jen Hatmaker that just rocked my world. Her writing inspired and convicted me and challenged me to change the way I live and view my "stuff" and resources. So when I found out about her speaking event, I was thrilled to hear her story in person. And we were not disappointed.

 We arrived right on time to the event, where we ate some amazing food, and talked excitedly about maybe getting to meet Jen. We went straight to the book table and looked through all the ones we possibly wanted to buy, when all of the sudden, there she was. Sitting down, eating, and talking to a sweet fan. I excitedly slapped my sister on the arm, and whispered that Jen was sitting right over there.  We all turned to look at her, and wondered whether or not we should try and talk to her. Maybe get an autograph. Or a hug. Whichever. We decided to wait until after the event, just to give her time to eat. And build up our nerves.
We found our seats, chatted, and waited for what seemed like forever for the event to start. And friends let me tell you, she was worth the wait. I can't tell you the last time I laughed so much. Or the last time I felt so moved by the Spirit to really live the way Jen challenged us too. Her words, just like her writing, moved, and inspired me to live a different, better life. She was so real, but so intent on us knowing that we only have so much time to live the life Jesus wanted. The life He spoke of, not the one the religious leaders or hypocrites tell us to live. A life based on loving people "where they are and how they are" not with the intent of just changing them to be a Christian. She challenged us to find our mission, the area and the people in our live that need hope, and someone to know that they are for them, and that love is not something you have to earn. She challenges us to be a people who weren't set on sticking to our guns, but putting them down, willing to listen to and help heal the people who have been hurt by the people who claim to love them. Jen is a powerful speaker and force in a world of people who are losing faith in the Church.

At the end of her speaking, Jill, Tiff and I rushed out to buy books and get them signed. We took a picture with Jen and thanked her for her time. It was an amazing night, being in a beautiful church, surrounded by women who were all in love with Jesus, and looking for something to inspire them.

So Jen, if you read this, thank you for your time and your faith. You inspired us to be better and love better and I thank you for speaking the truth that was on your heart.


Happy Labor Day weekend!

P.s. Platform 9 3/4 is a busy place today. See you on the Hogwart's express? ;)

Links: Jen's Website